


Coping Mechanisms

by adelaide_rain



Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: 6.11, Angst, Episode Related, M/M, Pre-Slash, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-23
Updated: 2016-11-23
Packaged: 2018-09-01 19:32:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8635342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adelaide_rain/pseuds/adelaide_rain
Summary: "The thing is," Danny says softly, his words almost lost under Steve's snores. "I miss you too, babe. So much."





	

"A retreat?" Danny asks, looking up from his laptop, fingers hovering over the keyboard. Steve is standing in the doorway of Danny's office, leaning against the door jamb with his arms folded. 

"After everything that's been going on lately, it'll be nice to have a break," Steve says with a half-shrug. "And it means we can get all of our mandated therapy out of the way in one weekend."

Danny considers; a break sounds good - a chance to get away, to spend some time together away from work. That's something they've not done in too long, for one reason or a hundred others.

The morning they leave for Maui starts off bright, but somewhere between home and the airport things start to unravel, and it only gets worse from there.

The sniping on the plane - and the way Steve makes sure to get the woman's number - makes Danny's annoyance bloom like an ugly flower. This was supposed to be about _them_ , a chance to reconnect, not a chance for Smooth Dog McGarrett to get laid, like he couldn't get laid any time, any place.

On the one hand, Danny gets it, honestly he does - with Cath leaving him like that, Steve's allowed to go off the rails a little. When a long-term relationship ends people deal with it in different ways: after Rachel, Danny drowned himself in drink and depression; Steve's going a more fun route. It's all part of the healing process, right?

But still; it irks Danny that Steve said this was about them, _for_ them, but then tosses it aside so easily.

And then? Things keep getting worse, because this is how Danny Williams' life works. 

The couple's therapy reminds him of Rachel, which will always be the best way to drag him into a bad mood. Steve remains hung up on this girl he's only just met instead of spending time with Danny, and okay, Danny knows how petulant that sounds but come on, if Steve's allowed to act like a fourteen year old then so is he. And maybe there's something more behind his reaction, but Danny's not in the mood for introspection.

By the time the twisted ankle happens Danny is done with the whole thing, and if he could storm out of there, if he could storm all the way back to O'ahu, he would. But he can barely walk so he has to lean on Steve to get back to the hotel room, all the while listening to him talk about Alyssa - about how Danny should come along, meet her friend, they can just talk, it'll be fun.

"Fun," Danny says flatly as they arrive at the room. He pushes away from Steve and limps over to the bed, clenching his jaw in pain for a moment before he can speak. "Yes, Steven; awkward silence after someone who's expecting a date finds out I'm in a relationship - that sounds like a ton of fun."

"Come on, man-"

Danny glares at him. "Don't _come on, man_ me. I'm pissed about this disaster of a weekend you've signed us up to, I'm in pain, I have had _enough_ , got it? I'm not going."

Steve's lips are thin, and he turns on his heel to go into the bathroom. Danny can't see what he's doing but he hears rustling and the tap running; when Steve comes out he's carrying a glass of water, a rattling bottle of ibuprofen and an elastic bandage. He hands over the water and the painkillers, and kneels down to wrap the bandage around Danny's ankle with quick, well-practiced movements. 

"I said I was sorry," he says quietly. "You know I didn't mean for you to get hurt." 

Danny sighs and waves a hand irritably. "Look - I know. Apology accepted, alright? For that, and only that. I'm still pissed about everything else and I'm still hurting. I have zero interest in going out tonight." When Steve's done, Danny grabs one of the many pillows from the mountain on his bed and throws it to the end so that he can elevate his ankle. 

Steve helps him lie down, adds another pillow and helps him get his foot into position. He does it without comment, without thought from what Danny can tell. It's an impulse for him to help like this, to make sure that Danny's okay, that he's comfortable. Danny opens his mouth to ask him to stay - but no. He's not that desperate.

Since he's waiting on a text to say when and where he's meeting the girls, Steve goes to his own bed and flicks on the TV. He finds an old episode of MacGyver and they bicker over it with none of the meanness that's crept in between them lately. It's nice, it's fun, enough that Danny starts to think that maybe this weekend is good for them, after all.

But then Steve's phone beeps and he grins as he checks it. Getting to his feet he straightens his shirt and looks down at Danny. "That's them. You sure you want to stay here, D?" 

"Very," Danny says shortly, bitterness curling in him like autumn leaves.

Steve pauses a moment, but then he shrugs and leaves with a _don't wait up_. 

Danny watches him go with a tight jaw and acid in his belly.

===

When Steve comes back it gets ugly. That it's so unexpected only makes it worse.

But Danny should have expected it, shouldn't he? This is what Steve does - pushes everything aside, forcing it into compartments and filing it away for a later that never comes, until it's too much, too heavy, and it breaks free like an erupting geyser. It's startling in its intensity and Danny's own anger rears up in response, but Steve isn't wrong, is he? Danny _is_ negative, things haven't been the same between them, and Danny hates that as much as Steve does, he doesn't want to feel this way but he doesn't know how to fight it.

When Steve's tirade finally stops and he throws himself into bed, Danny doesn't say anything, trying to get his thoughts together. But when he _does_ , he looks over and sees Steve asleep. Frowning, he feels a ripple of annoyance, but underneath is a constant, turbulent stream of affection. 

Still looking at him, Danny thinks back on what Steve said, and under the words, the way he'd said them. And his eyes - they could be so closed off, but sometimes... Sometimes they could say so much. Sometimes they could show how much he was hurting, and it makes Danny want to jump off the fucking balcony for putting that look there. 

The thing is, Danny talks, sure. His emotions are out on show like dirty laundry for anyone and everyone to see. The snappishness, short temper, anger and negativity - sure, anyone can see those things. But the other stuff - the _important_ stuff - that's not so easily shared. Not with anyone, not even people he would gladly dive in front of a bullet for. Because the deep stuff, the soft stuff? That makes him feel vulnerable. After all the beatings his heart has taken in the last few years, if anything else happens he's afraid he might break.

So he keeps it all inside, the most important stuff, the good but also the bad. The things that make him want to scream and cry and punch things - the things that chip away at him, make him scared he's going to break and shatter - he crushes them deep down inside of him, the pressure transforming them into ugly diamonds that he tries to ignore even as their jagged edges cut him to shreds. 

Because if he lets himself think about putting a gun in Reyes's face, about pulling the trigger, he despises himself - but he'd do the same thing again without hesitation, and what does that say about him? 

If he lets him think about how Rachel lied to him, about everything she took from him, he feels empty and hollow, too betrayed for rage. 

And Matty - he _can't_ think about him, he can't, it makes him feel like being under that collapsed building again, unable to breathe, helpless, doomed, with no way out and no way forward. 

His kids are his only lifeline and he's not selfish enough to put that pressure on them, or on anyone else he cares about, so he just- 

Copes.

Deals.

Alone.

Stays quiet about anything important, kvetches about everything else. It's a coping mechanism, he supposes, and if it makes everyone hate him, maybe that's for the best. If they're at a distance they can't hurt him and he can't hurt them. 

Apart from when the distance is exactly what hurts. 

Letting his head fall to the side, Danny looks at Steve, at his profile; at his hands drawn up holding the covers like a little kid. It makes something inside him feel warm and soft and desperately sad, all at once. 

"The thing is," Danny says softly, his words almost lost under Steve's snores. "I miss you too, babe. So much."

Steve doesn't stir, and Danny isn't sure if he's glad or not; whether it would make it easier or more difficult to say this with him awake.

"I love you," he adds softly, something he's not said in a while, because everything's so messy in his head, ragged and worn and fragile. It was easier - _safer_ \- to say _I hate you_ and not mean it, than _I love you_ and mean it more than almost anything. And the fact that Steve is the only one he's said that to in years, other than his kids - not Gabby, not Melissa - that means something, doesn't it?

Danny looks over at Steve, his chest feeling tight, and he wants to reach over, take his hand, or - or _something_. But he doesn't. He stays where he is, for the reasons he always has.

Maybe it would be better for both of them if he did - maybe it would _work_ , maybe it might help them heal from all the wounds the last few years have inflicted on them. 

But if it didn't work and Danny loses the last of what they have, he would break. Irreparably. 

So he stays where he is, letting his eyes linger on Steve for a moment longer before he shuts off the light with a sigh, and lies in the dark, thinking about things he can't have.

**Author's Note:**

> I've had the latter half of this fic on my phone for about six months; I wrote the first half last night. I watched the episode again to refresh my memory and I really like the scene in the hotel room. It's one of the only times they actually talked about their estrangement and about Danny's depression (though I'm not sure either of them recognise it for what it is). I get that it's perfectly in character for Steve to avoid the whole talking thing (while he's sober anyway), and the fact that he went to spend time with Danny the next day says a whole hell of a lot, but still, I wish they'd done more with it. Anyway, that's where this fic came from.
> 
> [My tumblr.](http://raininginadelaide.tumblr.com)


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